rain and un-lucky-ness -.-

it has been raining since yesterday,..
non-stop..
its nice
i love rain,..
i wish it could rain till tomorrow
somehow my head n heart are at ease when it rains
its so peaceful
plus theres not so many ppl here since everybody went back home.

n recently my mind kept on replaying those old memories.
it usually does this time of year -.-
sheesh.
but at least i got something to look foward to this month.
cant wait for it
i just hope everything will go smoothly
a bit scared really
never been to anything like it
n when i go anywhere with nana it usually end up not as convenient as we planned -.-
i wonder whyyy.pfft

what is hidden?

*chuckle*
can u figure out the message hidden in my last post?
:)

too early a birthday wish

its been ages since i last check my blog. :')
so much had been happening,..
so much that i cant even mention here,..
and so,..December comes again,..
it feels like only yesterday i was contemplating bout going or not to his birthday party.
haha.
now that i look back,..
geez,.. stupid me.

anyways there are about 3 to 4 numbers that i had saved under his name =.=
i dont know which is which.

if you are reading this,..
happy becoming 21 y o big guy
may God bless
n may u lead a happy life surrounded w/ the 1 u love :)

sorry 4 the 6 day early wish.
afraid if i cant make it on time.

take care sailor

be happy

i'll be big enough for us

and say 'be happy'

sebak,, i guess.

been listening to the same song for hours.
guess its just too deep.
for me atleast.
everything hits at all the right spots

say you ........... than you did before

and you're sorry its this way

if you ask

i will stay.

i wish i could say im heartbroken

no,fortunately thats in the past

sad,yes.

but its history

its just the regrets

they will always be there.

and the what ifs.

:')

like,forever

i know u wont admit it but it kinda 'scratched' your pride a bit doesnt it?
my last post.
well guess what?
u tore mine so many times i'm immune to it -.-
*sighhh*
when will this cold war end?

i awoke just now with yet again a dream of you
it was so vivid i could still see you and hear our conversation in my head echoing.
i can repeat each and every line of that conversation.
i could go back and see every move in that dream
what was it about?
i guess that'll have to be for only me to know.
it was so civil,uhm,
we were so civil,mature and well,nice to each other that it hurts
it was sad though
when i was awake i could still feel what i was feeling the dream
a sense of longing, joy but an empty hole was there, sad but happy
content but still regrets, glad cause deep down you do care but scared of disappointments, a faint hope but quickly diminished due to all the pain before

yes we were being civil to each other.
but all those mixed feelling did not only came from me,
it was from you too
it was as if i could feel what u feel
i was able to know what you feel
and that it was just the same as me.
we had wanted the same thing 
but held back cause were afraid of the pain that might come again
we have had enough(of the pain) but deep inside still wanted it to work out
it was a mutual feeling that we kept to ourselves.
unspoken
afraid
there was no pride.no ego
not from you
not from me
we just didnt want to hurt one another
but at the same time cant carry on without each other.

we were stuck to being that
not able to move foward
not able to go back
we cared for each other
but the invinsible walls we put up 
clearly sets a boundry in between us


the dream ended just like that
cause something had woken me up 
cant help but to ponder it
wondering why
have you completely moved on?
are you able to be happy?
what i dreamt about you,was it true?
do you still miss everything?
does it still hurt you?
are you still the same?

4 years can feel so short
but it still is a very long time
you said it yourself recently,
'i've been with you like forever'
even you admit we had known each other for so long
it feels like forever
and i kept asking myself if i still feel all those mixed feeling i was having in the dream
the answer?
i dont know
im still asking my numb heart.

pfft.high xD

pffffft..
tht post?
i dont even remmber.
maybe cause i was high.
kehkehkeh

dreamt

i kept dreaming of you the past two days
n just been told you were back around a fortnight ago
why now?
i could still feel the pain
why do i still feel it?
why?
why again?
why?
why cant i hate you?
why?
why wont you come clean?
why?
why wont you let my heart be at ease?
why?
why wont you let me disappear with a peaceful mind?
why?
why wont you answer me?
please
just answer me
please
stop hurting me with your silence
please
i beg you

fairy tales are full of shit

yeah,i know its hard to remember
the people we used to be
its even harder to picture
that you;re not here next to me

i gave you my love to borrow
but you just gave it away
you cant expect me to be fine
and i dont expect you to CaRe

i've wasted my nights
you turned out the lights
now i'm paralyzed
still stuck in that time
when we called it love

where are the plans we made for two..
if happy ever after still exists
i'd still be holding you like this
all those fairy tales are full of shit


you sitting around wondering
why it wasnt you who came up
from nothing
made it from the bottom
now when you see me im stunning

telling me the chances i blew up
or whatever you call it
switch the number to my phone
so you never could call it


had a really good game
what a shame
but you missed your last shot
so you talk about who you see at the top
or what you could have saw
but sad to say its over for


you went away
got what you were looking for
now its me who they want
so you can go and
take that little piece of shit with you

123

this would be my 123th post :)
and hopefully,it'd be my last.

toodles.

neoegeseo tteonajuneun geoya

tae-eonaseo neol mannago
jukeulmankeum saranghago
parahke muldeuleo
sirin naemam
neoneun ddeonado nan geudaerong itjana

nomore

i'm not the person you left behind anymore.
there's no one here to miss.

into the flames

i let it fall, my heart
and as it fell, you rose to claim it
it was dark, and i was over
until you kissed my lips and you saved me

my hands, they're strong
but my knees were far too weak
to stand in your arms
without falling to your feet

when laying with you
i could stay there, close my eyes
feel you here, forever
you and me together, nothing gets better

cause there's a side to you, that i never knew
all the things you'd say, they were never true
and the games you played, you would always win

sometimes i wake up by the door
that heart you caught must be waiting for you
even now when we're already over
i cant help myself i'm looking for you

i set fire to the rain
watched it pour as i touched your face
let it burn while i cried
cause i heard it screaming out your name

i set fire to the rain

and i threw us into the flames

when it felt something die,cause i knew that

that was the last time,the last time

let it burn

let you burn

1-8-2.

1 word,
8 letters,
2 syllables

farewell.

-

thanks.
you never fail to crush my heart
cant believe i still fell for your lies
thanks so much

cant help it

im so worried about you

atleast

if its alright
i want to stop everything
im tired..
so tired...
its useless if im the only one thts trying so hard
just live your life to the fullest dear
do everything that you want with no regret
and be satisfied with it
just be careful sayang,please
there is still this one lost soul that still cares for you
you are better than that
better than them
you went through a lot more than them
i just pray you wont waste everything
i trust you
you are able to think whats good and bad kn sayang

hope, faith, its getting all blurry now
who am i to say anything?
i have no right whatsoever
all i can is just remind you that
you are never alone

just be careful
just please take care of urself
atleast do that for me
thats all i ask for

love,
h

help figuring out

for a second,didnt it ever occured to you that

what im doing is everything like what she was doing?

everybody saw her smiling,everybody saw her laughing

but no one knows what she's going through..

u saw me smile,u saw me laugh

u claimed that i am happy with everything

but you dont know what i went through

what i still go through.

do you need to read all my little diary to be convinced?

everybody can act and pretend sayang

you are not the only one that is hurt and in pain

you can say that i am happy or anything

but you still dont know anything.

i cant help but to wonder

what do you really want dear?

you said you wanted to end up with me,

but you are doing nothing all the while

what if its just too late?

i still wish i could stop you from going

but i dont know what you want

i might be stopping you from

doing something that can make you really happy..

but if i didnt stop you,i dont want you to think i dont care.

im all screwed up knowing nothing n thinking

what i should do.
no matter if you're going now o whenever,

please just help me figure you out

just this once

a silent plea

i wish you didnt have to go
i wish i can tell you not to
i wish i have the right to do so
i wish i have the courage to tell you myself
but im just a nobody
like u always say,
i dont know anything about you
i dont know what i should do
i just dont

wishes

i wish i dont have to do this
i wish life wouldnt be hard
i wish i could block everything n just be fine about it
i wish i could look you in the eyes like i used to
i wish i could find you whenever i want or need you
i wish i could just ...

i guess my point is
i just miss you

the 20th

oh hey.
look at the date
today's the 20th.
we would've wish oursleves hppy monthsary
we would always fighting to wish the other one first
n if the other forgets,well,
hmm

accompany

guess what
i suddenly woke up n you're the first thing on my mind
i still remember when i could just call you up
no matter what time of the night
and even tough you're so tired
you would just accompany me till i get to sleep again

i guess that was then
i dont have the right anymore
n that just hurts

thank you awak

thank you for introducing,dedicating this song
fell in love with it the first time i heard
maybe cause its so similar to what im feeling
i dont know who i am to you dear
but you know who you are to me.
i dont have to tell you anymore
i've clearly say it.
this whole blog is dedicated to make you understand that very fact.
unlike me,who dont know where i stand in ur eyes,in ur heart.
do i even have a place there?
who am i to ask you ''sape ade kt situ?'' lagi?
remmeber how i used to ask you that sayang?
saye dh xde hak..at least i felt so.
like i said,i dont know anything at all
n who am i to say anything pun?
the rest is up to you sayang.

i'm really going this time.
not today,but soon.so soon.
i have to go in order to stay away from your life
in order to, not disturb you
unless you told me not to.
unless you give me one good reason
why i shouldnt go
why i shouldnt even try to forget you

i really want you to stop me
but like i said,
i know that will never happen kn sayang?
i wish i know you
i wish i know whats going through your mind n heart
but i dont..

take care sayang
i've said it once,i'll say it again
i love you.always has.always will.

who am i

i should be the one to give this song to you

im the one who didnt know anything at all

who am i to say you love me?

when i dont know anything bout how you feel

when you clearly have another to replace me

yes,i dont know anything at all about you

so who am i to say you need me?

who am i sayang?

who.

unable to

im going away
i wont be able to do anything
i wish i could stay
i wish you would stop me
but i know that would never happen
take care sayang
take care

hashtag

i wish i could stop missing you dear
i wish everything would be so easy
#imissyouso

your rightful place

im sorry

but its time i stop

n continue with my initial intention

i've had fun

thnks to you =)

but it was also painfully numb

i cant be like you sayang

i cant pretend as if nothing ever happened

im sorry

but i just cant

so take care sayang

i know you can get that attention you seek from her or anyone else

just not from me,cause i gave you everythng

n its still not enough,kn sayang?

im sorry i wasnt the one to satisfy your needs

but you dont need me

you never did

i was only needed when no one else was around

at least that's how it looked,n how i felt.

but no matter

cause you n me,we're just the same

a lost person seeking attention

only,i dont ever get mine.

im hppy you found yours

you got her n your buddies

n of cause ur mum.

n when you met her family,

they'd love you

i know they will.

cause you're wonderful sayang.

once they get to know you,

they'll make you family.

not like mine kn sayang?

i was so hurt my family dont like the one person 

who loved n understood me

im so sorry for making you hurt too because of them

my family doesnt understand me

they dont even know their broken girl

they dont even care.

so im praying that you'd finally find a place where

you are accepted and where 

you are finally happy sayang.

even though i wont get to see 

you smile at me like you used to,

or get to see

those deep loving eyes that used to look into mine

it doesnt matter.

i just pray you get all the loving attention that you needed for so long

i just pray that you would finally be really happy

i pray that your heart would finally soften and all warm

im crying sayang

after so long not being able to cry .

i can let you go now
have a wonderful sailing journey ahead
farewell sayang .

i pray the best for you

i'll never stop

remmber that .

i love you ,

always .

wrong signals dear

first off

i can say i miss you's or whatnot cause im single

even to those who have gf(s)

i dont care.coz i can.

second

i thought i clearly said that im going through this whole forgetting thing

n i know you've read it so im wondering 

why all of a sudden you care

n often popping up in my life now

third

if its just that,xpe lagi

but you were(n still are) all lovey dovey with your new gf just yesterday

so why do you keep on texting me:

-suddenly calling me wondergirl (-.-)

-suddenly saying im the mom of your beloved cat when you never acknowledge that ever before

-suddenly saying that you miss me when you havent said it in over a year

-as if im this person more important than your gf

-as if you dont want me to forget you

its not that i dont appreciate it,i do,really.

but please,

im trying to make everyone (you n me) comfortable with each other

right now,what you're doing,is weird n im not that comfortable.

if you want to say what you feel,

say it.

dont beat around the bush.

state it clearly,please.

look,

i love you,yes.

but im also happy now

i can actually(at long last) live my life without constantly be reminded of 

all those things you did that made my life hell

n you did say you wanted to stop whatever it is you wanted to stop

n you did say you want nothing more to do with me anymore

then you did say you just want us to be friends 

but for the last part,

if you really want us to be friends,

you have to let me forget what's left of my feelings for you

just a bit more,..

then we can hang out n laugh our ass off like we're childhood besties

kay?

cause you're giving out all the wrong signals.

and you're making me wonder

what more do you want from me?

do tell.

ps: thank you
     i miss you too.
     but i can say that cause i can
     you cant coz .. its wrong
     and you're not allowed

just

i miss you.
thats all
=D

for you?

somebody is gonna miss you

somebody is gonna wish you were here

that somebody is

me

lullaby

lullaby
distract me with ur rhymes
lullaby
help me sleep tonight

i cant hide
what has come
i have to go
and leave you alone
but always know
that i love you so

goodbye
brown eyes
goodbye for now
goodbye sunshine
take care of yourself

i have to go
and leave you alone
but always know
always know
that i love you so
i love you so


goodbye,
brown eyes
goodbye,
my love

hey

hey there
how are you?
i pray you're doing well
i know i said im doing this whole forgetting thingy..
but suddenly everything came back to memory.huu
like that time when you said
u teringin to hang your work shirts in your car
like those working man usually do..
=)

n i forgot i have the perfect song

that suits the entry entitled i have to. i need to.

this is going to be harder than i think.

-.-

i miss you dear~

wish u well.

xx

suddenly remembered

when i went out with my friends just now
i sat behind the driver
and i suddenly remembered
how you used to held out your hand behind the seat
and would secretly hold my hand occasionally at a red light
because you dont want your mother beside you to see
#smiles
miss you dear.
=)

i have to.i need to

i dont want you to think that i dont care again
i dont want you to hold grudges because i cant be there
like you used to be for me
i dont want you to think negatively of me
i dont want you to hate me
but most of all
i dont want you to forget me

but you see,
for the time being
i cannot know you
i need to let go of you
in order for us to be able to face each other as friends
for me to face you as a friend,
in the future,
like u said let fate decide our destiny,our life

therefore,temporarily,
n i hope only for a short period of time
i have to remove every single thing about you
and try not to keep thinking of you
though its gonna be so hard n painful.
but i'll keep in mind how happy you are now
so that it'll be easier for me to walk away

i know you'll be fine
you'll be okay
she takes good care of you
so i dont have to worry right love?
take care okay
hope that by the time we meet again
everything would be easier


do listen to this song
i know its not your type,but
its kinda nice n some of the words are really meaningful
# listen to the chorus





i will always miss you
i will always love you
han.

a new day

finally!

no more stresses

no more nothing

yeeeaaaayyyyyyyy

its like all the burden has been lifted with the end of this final

meaning that other problems are finally off of my mind n heart

i can finally access my fb acc

that means i've only just read a message 

thats been there for almost two weeks

thank you

eventhough its still unclear

atleast you've eased my pain
but i dont understand
why cant you accept them?
those things i sincerely want you to keep?
hmm,anyway,

i appreciate every single word

and now i am able to carry on life for sure

i hope. -.-

its time to face a new day.

i hope this time 

it'll be brighter

i'll keep my fingers crossed.

just in case =)

p/s: im sure you're finally relieved

      after reading this.

      just like how relieved i finally am.

      sorry again for making it hard on you

      all this while.

like a stain

i'll never be quite the same as i was before

part of you still remains

though its out of focus

i'll never be like i was

the day i met you

i was too naive

but thats why i let you in

wear your memory like a stain

cant erase or numb the pain

here to stay with me forever

i'm breathing in

breathing out

isnt that what its all about?

im living life crazy and loud

like i have the right to

there are no more words 

and nothing left for me to doubt

but i dont think i'll ever break through

the ghost of you.

one of these days

i'll wake up from this

bad dream im dreaming

one of these days

i'll pray that i'll be 

over you

one of these days

i'll realize that

im so tired of feeling confused

but for now

there's a reason that you're still here

in my heart

i should've told you

ev er yt hi ng

i miss your voice

i miss your laugh

i miss your warm smile

i miss your clear eyes

i miss your scent

i miss your reassuring hug

i miss your large hands

i miss your childish behaviour

i miss your cold remarks

i miss your crude singing

i miss your not-so-funny jokes

i miss the long talks

i miss you telling your adventure

i miss your cocky side
i miss your arrogant attitude

i miss your comforting words

i miss your protective ways

i miss the way you used to look at me
i miss the names you used to call me
i miss the things you used to do to make me angry
i miss how you used to annoy me
i miss how you'd bite me just to show off your sharp teeth
i miss how you used to say 'wengg wengg' after a car
i miss the way you would laugh out loud when we're watching a funny movie
i miss the funny faces you make when we're on vdeo chat
i miss how you'd show off your driving skills
i miss your rough ways when i did something wrong cause u were worried
i miss how you'd take my hand and hold it tight
i miss how you'd hug me when i cry
i miss how you used to kiss my forehead
i miss how you used to whisper sweet things when u thought i was asleep
but most of all
i just miss
you

healing,but empty

no matter what i try to do

no matter who i try to be with

no matter how hard i try everything

you will always be the one that hold my heart

i'm healing,yes,

but the scars still remains 

and my heart is still empty

i can smile and i can laugh

but a meaningless one

i miss you,yes,

and it hurts like hell

but now,there are no more tears

i cant cry anymore

i've lost all sense of 

hope and feeling

i'm turning into a stone

just like u

now,

my heart is all dark and cold

blocked

how do i describe how im feeling into mere words?

i just miss you so much

i want to tell you that myself so bad

i want to make sure you know it

i want you to understand

the longer i wait for a chance

the more you drift away

i just miss you so much

how do you do it?

how do you block your feelings?

i wish i am able to do that too

:|

thank you =)

thank you

that message really made my day

im all pumped up to study now! 

lol hahaha =P

seriously,..

thank you dear 

growing up

im listening to our old songs

how u used to urge me to listen to those songs u would dedicate to me

=) 

thinking back

i have no regrets

cause

i loved u

n u loved me

we really did love each other

even though it didnt last like we planned it to be

thank you dear for those memories

thank you for growing up with me

just wish we wouldn't have to be strangers

guess i have myself to blame for that =P

sorry old friend

for making it hard on you

malay song

i guess i have become fond of malay songs

=)

those who know me would've been surprised

lol..its not so bad i guess

though when i mean 'malay' most are 'indonesian'

rofl.

i wonder how i could've change so much in so little time

guess im really healing  =)

thank you God

replaced

true,

i dont feel anything anymore

but the hole, the emptiness is still there

im still coping dear

i see u are able

i see u are happy

i see u have opened up to her

im still searching for the one that can replace you

guess its not as easy as u replaced me