reality

and so,at last i got my answer

the answer to all my questions

i've been driving the whole night last night

i have to take the matter onto my own hand

i just cant stand it anymore

not with all the question marks in my head

so i set my journey around 10

after passing through all sorts of creepy roads,

i finally arrived at the destination

but the problem was,there's no direction to where the exact place that i wanted to go

all i have were the faintest clues

everythng was a puzzle

with so many pieces gone

one by one we tried to solve and find a connection to the missing pieces

all i have as clues were that of the pictures he sent me

of the orange stairways and his orange room

of that the story he alwasys told me when he had to pass through dark roads to get to his home so early in the morning

how he would check for his housemate's car in the parking lot

of how tired he would get by climbing the stairs to the fifth floor

how he said the door knobs were broken and that he had to knock loudly for his housemate to open for him

other clues was that it would take around 10 min to get to his college by motorcycle

how he always go to this tunas mart coz it was the nearest

and the dobi he would send his laundry

he said that the bank he used to bank-in money for me was also near the mart

we went to every flat we could find in that dark morning

but none were with 5 storeys

we find several laundry shops but no bank was near

we found the mart,but there was no flat

alas we started our search again.

back to square one,

according to every puzzle piece that we have.

first the bank,and not far up was the mart

then we ask that stall guy for the whereabouts of his college

and it was not that near but just right to the mart and bank

at the gas station,we found that the college was just beside it(the gas station)

and so,little by little our puzzle started to look like a whole picture,but still wasnt complete.

i was so sure we were so close.i can feel it

and we agreed to look for the flat at the place before the bridge,before the gas station,before the college

it had to be there

after very much dead ends an oh-so-creepy roads

we finally found the only flat area with 5 storeys and was orange in colour

i was so relieved that i cried

i was so relieved that i shivered

but its not the end of the search yet

we cant find the entrance so we had to go back and made a U-turn

there was this one dark,spooky road to a village named kg fikri

i was sure this was it,coz his friend said that the flat was around a kg area

only god knows how i felt that time

we found yet another dead end,

but it was all so real that nothing was bringing my hopes down

alas,we found the main entrance

his friend said to turn right in the 2nd junction and his flat was on the left

i know we're at the right place

i can just feel it

after a very long,tiring search,we were finally there

but he did said that he had changed block.

so where is it now?

i kept looking back at his pictures to look for more clues,but there were none

than i noticed his curtains,but there were non matched or is it just becoz of the darkness that i cant distinguish them

he loved the dark so i keep on searching for dark rooms,but there were so many.

even if i call out his name,he may not even hear me,for he love to listen to his loud music

i feel that all hope was lost

i was so crushed

i'm so very close but i feel so very far

we just parked there,on the lot just waiting,and waiting

waiting for the faintest clue or a miracle

my friends were so tired that i feel so guilty to have bring them along

but i cant just give up just yet

an hour passed and im still waiting

unable to even have a brief nap

i kept on picking my brains for clues

then i remmbered bout his motorcycle

i asked his friend for his plate num,but he cant rmmber

all he rmmbered was there were many 4's

and it was an ipoh's plate

it was raining heavily outside,

so im unable to go and search for the motorcycle

i kept on wishing the rain would stop so i could go out

there was a couple coming down with their baby,crying

to the clinic i assumed

i wanted to ask them,but i dont want to cause him trouble by making a fuss with the neighbours

so i just kept quite and waited..

its like an electric shock when i heard a sound of a motorbike

and my heart stopped when that motorbike passed us with an ipoh's plate and with a couple of 4s

then there was the shorts,and the barcelona jersey i came to recognise

i told my friend,that's him!,that's him!

but i cant move

im stoned to my seat

my hands were shaking

my whole body was shivering

what do i do now?

what am i going to say?

i went out of the car n slowly went to that high-figured guy

its him! my heart wont stop telling me

he turned around.

i was rooted to the spot.i cant move.

his face..

his face was of uncertainty

his face was filled with,to my surprised,

disgust.

he was frowning

he doesnt even seem glad

his face tells off what he feels

and that was all that i needed to know.

after so many confusion,we,he talked

and the one thing i could hear clearly was that he said he was actually glad

glad that these past 5 days,he can do all the things that he liked

and those every word that came off his mouth was like a painfully slow stab through my heart

again and again

the conversation after that didnt really matter

he said he wanted me to change

i know im a pain in the arse

yes,i know how terrible is my attitude

i know it well

but whatever we talked about afterwards,didnt mean as much

i just know that me,going there was a mistake

cause i took away the joy he had for the past 5 days

he said it as if we're on okay terms again

maybe we are,

but,no,i dont feel it like that

i feel as if im a dementor sucking his happiness and joy away

he cant do what he wants if im tied to him

he just cant have that pure satisfaction of doing all the things that he had longed to do,that i had stopped him from doing

so yes,i get it

i'll just stay away

i want him to do everything he wants that he cant when he's with me

i want him to be free of guilt to me when he do all those stuff

so the only way to do that is to untie him

unleash him,set him free

let him have the time of his life

do whatever he wants

let him get the satisfactory

let him feel the satisfaction

and to do that,he have to leave me

cause i cant agree to what he wants

im not that kind of person

i care bout him so much that

i cant bare to see him throw his life away

i cant change into someone that he wants

someone that would agree to those things,to let him do all that

i just cant.

it pains me to know that he chose that little box over me.

so now,im going to let him do what he wants

im not going to bother him,stop him from doing anything

im not going to be his dementor anymore

and when he have had his satisfaction,

when he feels that he's ready to choose me over those stuff,

no matter how many days,weeks,months or years that would take him then,

i will willingly run to him.